March 5th, 2012

pantless sunday post

Yes, I know: it is Monday, not Sunday, but I thought of these words last night and although I never shared them over the void, they belong to Sunday.

Because Sunday is pantless. You hear me. Pantless. A friend of mine in New Orleans instated the tradition this past year, spending sundays in cute panties & oversized sweaters, even convincing guests at times to participate. I found the idea ludicrously brilliant, but looking at a seven-hour work shift every sunday depleted the idea’s splendor in my mind. 

But my work shifts were just an excuse behind which I could hide my insecurities. For the past few months I have struggled with overcoming disordered eating, self-harm, self-hate, perfectionism, & self-blame, slowly progressing to a place where I can state, firmly, “It is well with my soul.” I am not there yet—and at times it feels like I never will reach that content with my self. But somewhere between the breakdowns, the journaling, the vacillating between hopeful & hopeless, the counseling, the tumbling, the good times, and the best of people, I realized that this journey to being & accepting me, faults & all, is, above all else, a journey. In my life I do not believe I have ever imagined happiness to be this perfect state where I feel happy every second of every day; and yet, as I struggled to accept myself, I strove to attain a mythical place of self where I would never doubt myself, or feel insecure, or despair. 

How unattainable! Perfectionism at work, again. No one, no matter how happy or secure, lives without at some point encountering these emotions and thoughts; and I do not long to live on one side of a coin, tracing its face until familiarity wears away the wonder. I want to be happy with myself, to love myself, and by that I do not mean that I want to feel like 100% every day and every second of my life. Rather, to love myself, to me, means that whatever emotions and obstacles and thoughts and regressions I meet, I will have the fortitude & the faith in myself to know and to believe I can handle them, can get through them, without losing myself. I will have low points, but I will weather them, and learn from them. I will take baby steps. 

Last night, I took a baby step. After an emotionally tumultuous few days—I backslid into some old habits—I grappled with the sinking plod towards familiar friends, the weary surrender to graceless demons. But, I did not tread down that path. Recognizing that I felt anxious, and scared, and angry, and upset—realizing that I craved food to fill a hunger in my heart that food could never nourish—I resisted, in my own little way. I returned home from work to an empty house, an old sanctuary for binge-eating and purging in solitude, and decided to take action: pantless Sunday.

Surprising, sometimes, how so little & simple a thing can free your soul. I peeled off my formal suit jacket & pants, and as I stood in my burrow of a room in a lace thong & a cami, I remembered how that idea once shone attractively in my mind. I felt the lace against my skin, and smiled. Smiling, I pulled on an old, comfy sweater & slipped on some hot pink boy shorts I adore. This is me, this is my body, & this is me accepting me & loving me for who I am, right now. Sure, I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that yet with my roommates. Yes, I still will refuse to look in the mirror. But here I am, taking a step forward. Here I will dance around the kitchen to loud music in Victoria’s Secret boy short & a simple braid, delighting in throwing together a simple, leek soup, a wooden spoon as a microphone. 

I will drink tea, and be proud of my self. I will be pantless, on a Sunday.

February 5th, 2012
totalefinsternis:

fukiko:

sailorv:

I’m so sick and tired of seeing this picture. Normally when I see images like this (daily on my Facebook feed, actually), I blow them off, because I know that thin is the industry standard and I’m lucky blah blah blah. But people who would tell me to quit complaining would probably be incredibly surprised to know what kind of criticism I receive on a regular basis for being somewhere between Kiera and Kirsten on this scale. When I worked at Godiva, I usually got multiple comments every day about how I should “eat more chocolate,” “probably couldn’t help them out because I looked like I never ate chocolate,” etcetera. Almost invariably these comments were delivered in a mocking or plainly offensive tone.
Every time I see this picture posted, it’s usually accompanied with a comment about how “natural” beauty is no longer valued. Yet people forget what types of self-mutilation women of earlier eras went through to look the way they did: corsets, skin bleaching, hair bleaching (before it was as perfected as it is today), and in the case of Rita Hayworth, electrocution of her hairline. What people fail to realize is that setting any standard of beauty for women is incredibly detrimental to our esteem. Throughout history, the standards have changed, but the stuff we put our bodies through hasn’t.
Furthermore, some women just do naturally look like Kiera Knightley or Kirsten Dunst. I will NEVER naturally look like Marilyn Monroe. No matter how much weight I gain or how much I eat, I will NEVER have curves. My waist-hip ratio is TERRIBLE. I am just not cut out to be a curvaceous woman. And telling me that I’m less “hot” because of it is counter-productive to banishing any sort of societal issues related to women’s esteem. Period.
Furthermore, shaming women for eating disorders (which arguably some of the women on the top may have) is also just plain disgusting. Although the image doesn’t necessarily imply this, I’ve seen a swarm of ed-shaming comments surrounding this photo every time it’s posted on Facebook so I feel the need to address it. Honestly, it’s pictures like this that exacerbate eating disorders in women. Often eating disorders are a pursuit of perfection more than a pursuit of thinness, but the idea of “perfection” becomes so distorted beyond reason that a woman forgets what “perfection” means to her, and so extreme thinness and dysmorphia are the only lasting result. Furthermore, this type of behavior is deadly, so when people say thin women should “get over” negative comments, I cannot believe they would be so insensitive.
I can understand why, from a standpoint of historical criticism, people would want to analyze standards of beauty and why they have evolved over time, but that is NOT what this image does. It is far too provoking and shaming, and in the end, it achieves exactly the opposite of what it sets out to do. Rather than making women feel better about their bodies, it only narrows the definition (notice how the women on the bottom are all still thin) of beauty. So um… let’s quit passing this around, okay?

Amen; no idea how much I appreciate you for making this post, Catherine.
Whatever size you may be, there is someone who will find you attractive. This person should be you, yourself above anyone else, but regardless it’s simply deleterious to confine a universal standard of beauty to one type of frame and weight distribution. Don’t find slim girls attractive? No one is forcing you to be in an intimate relationship with one.
Let’s stop the backwards idea that the notion of body acceptance must exclude those of us who are or choose to be skinny.

I hate this image and all like it, but I just want to reblog this for the sake of the eloquent commentary above.
I recently made a big rant on this exact subject over on Facebook when a friend posted something very similar, and then it led to a huge rant on twitter, which some of you saw. It makes me really angry because yes, I am skinny and weigh a measly 98 pounds on most days, and believe me, there’s nothing I can do about it, I’ve tried, and I’ve driven myself crazy and I’ve cried at night and I’ve been bullied  and peer-pressured about it because it’s become the popular thing to do because of images like this. Thin is what natural is in my case, and the constant verbal snark I’ve had to deal with my entire life about how I need to eat a sandwich or being outright insulted or whatever the hell people spew at me about me being anorexic does not help and is just as bad as people being negative about bigger people. 
…so yes, let’s stop spreading shit like this unless it’s for intelligent commentary like that written above.

totalefinsternis:

fukiko:

sailorv:

I’m so sick and tired of seeing this picture. Normally when I see images like this (daily on my Facebook feed, actually), I blow them off, because I know that thin is the industry standard and I’m lucky blah blah blah. But people who would tell me to quit complaining would probably be incredibly surprised to know what kind of criticism I receive on a regular basis for being somewhere between Kiera and Kirsten on this scale. When I worked at Godiva, I usually got multiple comments every day about how I should “eat more chocolate,” “probably couldn’t help them out because I looked like I never ate chocolate,” etcetera. Almost invariably these comments were delivered in a mocking or plainly offensive tone.

Every time I see this picture posted, it’s usually accompanied with a comment about how “natural” beauty is no longer valued. Yet people forget what types of self-mutilation women of earlier eras went through to look the way they did: corsets, skin bleaching, hair bleaching (before it was as perfected as it is today), and in the case of Rita Hayworth, electrocution of her hairline. What people fail to realize is that setting any standard of beauty for women is incredibly detrimental to our esteem. Throughout history, the standards have changed, but the stuff we put our bodies through hasn’t.

Furthermore, some women just do naturally look like Kiera Knightley or Kirsten Dunst. I will NEVER naturally look like Marilyn Monroe. No matter how much weight I gain or how much I eat, I will NEVER have curves. My waist-hip ratio is TERRIBLE. I am just not cut out to be a curvaceous woman. And telling me that I’m less “hot” because of it is counter-productive to banishing any sort of societal issues related to women’s esteem. Period.

Furthermore, shaming women for eating disorders (which arguably some of the women on the top may have) is also just plain disgusting. Although the image doesn’t necessarily imply this, I’ve seen a swarm of ed-shaming comments surrounding this photo every time it’s posted on Facebook so I feel the need to address it. Honestly, it’s pictures like this that exacerbate eating disorders in women. Often eating disorders are a pursuit of perfection more than a pursuit of thinness, but the idea of “perfection” becomes so distorted beyond reason that a woman forgets what “perfection” means to her, and so extreme thinness and dysmorphia are the only lasting result. Furthermore, this type of behavior is deadly, so when people say thin women should “get over” negative comments, I cannot believe they would be so insensitive.

I can understand why, from a standpoint of historical criticism, people would want to analyze standards of beauty and why they have evolved over time, but that is NOT what this image does. It is far too provoking and shaming, and in the end, it achieves exactly the opposite of what it sets out to do. Rather than making women feel better about their bodies, it only narrows the definition (notice how the women on the bottom are all still thin) of beauty. So um… let’s quit passing this around, okay?

Amen; no idea how much I appreciate you for making this post, Catherine.

Whatever size you may be, there is someone who will find you attractive. This person should be you, yourself above anyone else, but regardless it’s simply deleterious to confine a universal standard of beauty to one type of frame and weight distribution. Don’t find slim girls attractive? No one is forcing you to be in an intimate relationship with one.

Let’s stop the backwards idea that the notion of body acceptance must exclude those of us who are or choose to be skinny.

I hate this image and all like it, but I just want to reblog this for the sake of the eloquent commentary above.

I recently made a big rant on this exact subject over on Facebook when a friend posted something very similar, and then it led to a huge rant on twitter, which some of you saw. It makes me really angry because yes, I am skinny and weigh a measly 98 pounds on most days, and believe me, there’s nothing I can do about it, I’ve tried, and I’ve driven myself crazy and I’ve cried at night and I’ve been bullied  and peer-pressured about it because it’s become the popular thing to do because of images like this. Thin is what natural is in my case, and the constant verbal snark I’ve had to deal with my entire life about how I need to eat a sandwich or being outright insulted or whatever the hell people spew at me about me being anorexic does not help and is just as bad as people being negative about bigger people. 

…so yes, let’s stop spreading shit like this unless it’s for intelligent commentary like that written above.

(via corelliaorbust)

February 1st, 2012
January 8th, 2012
may just need to put this on my own mirror :) 

may just need to put this on my own mirror :)